Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?

I really wasn't planning on writing everyday of this study, but Yesterday I had another thought in addition to the thoughts I shared on here that I didn't really feel comfortable sharing on the interenet. It was one of those "Huh, well that was a cool thought" that would never draw any hard conclusions, but that was certainly interesting. Anyway, I forgot what it was and it both disappointed me and reminded me that things that are written down, or typed down or thought through in a little more thoughtful way than just a fleeting moment are remembered better. So I might very well type up something everyday. I may not. I may write it in a journal or something.
At any rate, Today was a James E. Faust talk. The paragraph that I feel brought up the most thoughts and emotions for me was this:

"He was led to Golgotha, where nails were driven into His hands and feet. He hung in agony for hours on a wooden cross bearing the title written by Pilate: “JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF THE JEWS.” ¹⁷ Darkness came, and “about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” ¹⁸ No one could help Him; He was treading the winepress alone. ¹⁹Then “Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.” ²⁰ And “one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.” ²¹ “The earth did quake” and “when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.” ²² In the words of the hymn, “Let me not forget, O Savior, / Thou didst bleed and die for me.” ²³ I wonder how many drops were shed for me."

And a lot of different parts brought me to different things. "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" reminded me of Elder Holland's talk on the atonement from April 2009. "And none were with Him" (text). "My God, My God, Why has Thou forsaken me?". It reminded me of how alone He really was in those terrible moments. It brought to memory the feeling I had as I sat in the audience next to Sister Parker and Elder beard as our MTC district watched and learned and thought on Elder Hollands words. How even though we may feel alone, we are not. I think it is expedient that we do feel alone, not to punish us, or make things hard but purely because He was alone. He felt it because we would feel it. If we never felt alone, neither would He have had to do the same.
"Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are.""
It takes Faith to accept that statement. That we are never alone even though we may feel like it. Faith and Humility. To accept that that sacrifice that was made, what feels like so long ago, was good enough that we would never be alone. That we need not heed to loneliness. That we instead must heed the call to turn to Him for aid. I do believe that we can and do make ourselves feel alone. For the sake of being alone. I'm unsure what masochistic part of the natural man feels so strongly to make bad things be as bad as they can be just for the sake of making them as bad as they can be rather than immediately turning to and letting in at least the company, if not the peace that that company brings. Change right from wrong? Remove trials completely? No, that often is not an option, but the lessening of that weight, burden, and loneliness? yes. to what ever degree the Lord sees fit at that time He will do it. He loves us and wants us to be happy.
"It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.
But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us...
because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path".
The more I re-read Elder Holland's talk the more I want to just copy and paste the whole thing on here.

The other thing that really struck me was what struck the centurions who participated in this awful scene under order, albeit willingly. I think at least some ignorance to their part in this event is shown in their realization of "Truly this was the Son of God". At first I sat and tried to imagine how it might have felt to have that epiphany. And then at second glance i didn't have to try so hard, "they feared greatly". That may have been an understatement. I hope that the realization also came that not all was lost. That it was just that He was the Son of God, but that He is The Son of God. And that as part of the last words He spake in His mortal ministry He plead with the Father "Forgive them, for they know not what they do". Which also gave me pause. I think we've all been hurt before. Big hurts. Little hurts. And I am sure that some of those hurts were done out of malicious intent, however my guess is that most of them weren't most of them, and I think especially the big hurts, were done out of complete ignorance on the part of the other individual. Wether that ignorance came from a lack of understanding, completely selfishness or just a terrible lack of social awareness, the perpetrator really had no idea the effect of his or her actions on you. Or me. It is one of the reasons forgiveness is so important. We cannot wait for an apology, because it may never come. They may have no idea an apology is in order. Christ set the perfect example: after being beaten, mocked and spit upon, there was no effort to bring to light those wrong done to The Son of God. Instead a simple, quiet and and nearly private, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". I do believe that anger can be a good shield, that forgiveness can actually be the long way around something. With holding blame, not holding accountable someone we feel needs to be met with justice and working through the mess that they are so blissfully unaware of, it can be the longer and harder road. but it's the better one. It leads to better things: love, salvation, redemption, peace, and ultimate happiness. A lightness one will never be able to bear if we insist on carrying on with or holding on to a heavy hurt. I think it interesting the the Light load of happiness cannot be borne while holding onto a heavy burden, how ever, that heavy burden can easily be borne while tenaciously holding onto the lighter load of Happiness. Both must be carried for a time. Hold onto only one. Side note - for anyone wondering Happiness, is the better of the two to hold onto.

Also reminds me of President Monson's talk on "Hidden Wedges" from April 2002.


Elder Holland's talk, because it's awesome. I figure with easy access more would be inclined to watch.

I Stand all Amazed

Today's study was an article from The Encyclopedia of Mormonism written by Jeffrey R Holland. I'm pretty sure that's just the article. I don't know wether or not he wrote the whole thing or not. I do know that it was a really good read though. It encompassed many aspects of the atonement and brought to mind many different ways i have seen the Atonement work in my life and in others. One memory of mine that really stood out to me was from my mission, surprise, surprise. IT was about a district meeting. President Ludwig was talking about how Christ had volunteered for the role He played in this life. That he did it out of love for the Father and love for us. He then paused and mentioned that he (President Ludwig) was not quite sure the Christ knew exactly what He had volunteered for. But that it didn't really matter if He did or did not understand, what mattered is how He met the challenge. That He did not shrink. That He kept His word. President Ludwig applied this to us as missionaries explaining that as children of God is it written into our being to desire goodness. That we are not always fully aware of what we are volunteering to do, but that what really matters is how we meet those challenges. That we do not shrink. That we keep our word.
On a slightly unrelated note, I have faced a lot of confusion in my life recently. I hate it. I cannot wait for it to be done and over with. To be able to see and understand and feel a bit more confident about my life and my story and my role in it. In the article I read Elder Holland Highlighted a stanza of a hymn that I have always loved that speaks about confusion in a much more positive way than I've been feeling it. In the midst of everything else.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. 

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, 

That for me, a sinner, he suffered, He bled and died. 

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me Enough to die for me! 

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me! [Hymns, p. 193].

This is where I, or anyone for that matter, can find find my solace.

The Atonement

"I bear witness of a God who has such shoulders. And in the spirit of the holy apostleship, I say as did one who held this office anciently: “Herein [then] is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another” ¹⁸ —and to love Him forever, I pray. In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen." - Jeffrey R. Holland (An Apostle)


It's a day late, but not too late to catch up. This isn't my stake. it's actually a friend of a friend's stake. It's awesome though.

Atonement Study, Pre-gaming for Easter

Roughly 891 Days

There have been two different occasion over the past week when I have thought about writing something on here. So I figured I should just get down to it and write.
I have been home for two years, five months and seven days, but who's counting? The very first letter I received while on my mission was waiting for me when I arrived at the MTC. It was from my Brother-in-law, Zach Bellows. As I recall it was the last letter he ever wrote me, but it was one that came with a lot of thought and a lot of heart. He reflected on his mission experience, bore his testimony of it and the Gospel and offered some heartfelt advice. I specifically remember him telling me that there had not been one day that had gone by that he had not thought of his mission in someway, and that it would be the same for me. I'm not sure how seriously I took him then. I remember feeling the spirit and being grateful for my family and for the opportunity to serve, but really? everyday? Yes. Really. Every. Single. 891 days. And counting.
A lot has happened since I have been "released" from the calling as a full time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And a lot have things have changed. For the good and for the bad, but I'm pretty sure it has all been for the better, what ever the immediate effect may have been. I have held many other callings in the church, serving where ever I can. I've seen someone I taught go through the temple and then on a mission(one of the sweetest experiences). I've closed doors and opened others. And closed some of those. I've left the country. I've come back against my will. I have not stayed in one place since my mission (and even a little before) for any more than 6 months at a time. In 2012 I managed not to stay in one place for any more that 3 months.I have been very happy and I have been very sad. I've met some very smart and very inspiring people. And I have met some that I have had to work really hard to like, or even think very highly of.
Life as a "not a missionary" is, as you can imagine, very different than that of a missionary. There are pros and cons to both. I have found application of those things I both learned and tried to teach on my mission absolutely vital to some experiences I've had since being home. Vital and hard. I feel that as a missionary you start to just feel on fire! But every fire roars under perfect conditions. It still takes feeding the fire and watching it, but it's different. Take a perfect fire and add wind, rain, sleet, snow and damp wood and the constant efforts it takes to keep the fire going not only become more complicated, but more tiresome and if you are not careful, less hopeful. With out that constant roar it may look appealing to stop or slow down or take a break. You cannot. Complacency is not an option, just as it was not as a missionary. Things have gotten harder? Then work harder. And --- Remember.
Remember has been a word that is not only used more than frequently in scripture, but has been spoken about and highlighted in general authority talks, sunday school lessons, sacrament talks, P.H. and R.S. lessons. Lesson from the mission number one: Repetition is important. With all this talk about remembrance, I think it would be important to remember to remember. As a missionary I asked people to do things. All. The. Time. Hard things. As in any position of servitude I gained so much more from my experiences than those I met with. They taught me in ways I will never be able to pay back. I watched people, via my invitation, exercise their faith in ways that I had wondered if I ever had. Sometimes serving a mission felt like I was reading a book. A really good one, the kind that sucks you in, that you can't put down. One in which you are so utterly attached to the characters that you actually cheer at their successes and weep at their pain. You hope for the best, but ultimately can do nothing for them. They have to make their own choices. And you have to watch. Getting released has been like getting sucked into the book. There are unfamiliar paths, dark forest, castles, dragons, storms that have a life of their own and mountains that seem to block the way entirely - and some things I only ever thought I'd read about, literally and figuratively. There are also beautiful pastures, Sunlight that moves in after storms to dry things out and warm things up, miracles, angels, happiness and peace. You are now another character in the book. A force for good or evil. Effected by every element of the story. There are choices to be made and a life to be built and navigated and taken care of. Weeded - and otherwise maintained.
The point is, I'm grateful for the things I learned while "reading the book" and I will never forget them, because it was all so amazing, but also in part to constantly remembering. Remembering how absolutely magnificent every character is, regardless of wether or not I get a long with them. Remembering to "look for the rudiments of God"(full text) in each person I struggle to love. And feel that love seep in when I find them. Remembering what brilliant perfect untainted truth feels like and then searching for that feeling elsewhere as I navigate the rest of my life. Remembering to continue to feed my spirit by feeding others and sharing my testimony when the opportunity arises (and it does). There is no better way to feed your spirit than to feed someone else's. (Matthew 16:25). This is obviously not the end of the list of things I have to remember, but it's what comes to mind now. Some of the things that will keep a fire burning, roaring even, with enough effort.
One other thing that is only slightly related to any of this is but has crossed my mind through all this remembering and weeding this morning is that God never asked us to like anybody. I can't think of one verse that says "ye must like all people". Nope. He does however tell us to "Love one another". That's a commandment. I really do think it is utterly impossible to like everyone. Some people are just unlikeable. And go ahead, don't like them, but you are not excused from loving them. Just as it is impossible to like everyone it is very, very possible to love everyone. That is what we have been asked to do and it is that that brings us closer to God, helps us become more like him and stifles the natural man enough to see our way a little more clearly. Love somebody you don't today. You don't even have to like them, but Love them. It will change a bit of your world. And once you love them, love somebody else.
I have a good friend, (dare I say a best friend? I have a couple of those) that I met in Fiji. He did not serve a mission. He is an amazing person and I love him very much. He came home a described Fiji in a similar way to how I might describe "coming home" from a mission. "I recently traveled to Fiji and changed my life quite a bit. I fear I will never be the same, or that I will ever quite be at home again." I would change it a little. I'm not afraid I will never be the same again, I know I wont be. I also know that I'll never "quite be at home again" either. Maybe when I'm a mom. I think that may feel like home.

There are certain things that have not changed since "coming home" - or leaving home which ever seems to fit better, and they are the fundamentals:
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is still true.
My family, is awesome, and I love them.
There is so much more than this.
The temple is a house of service, safety, comfort, God. (And my favorite place to be)
I love my nephews.
God loves us.
There is a prophet of God on the earth.
The Book of Mormon is true. And also awesome.
There will always be need to remember.
There are choices to be made.

And others, but I'm kind of done writing.
What made me think about writing last night was a succession of two different songs. The first was a good summary of how I have felt for a lot of the past two years five months and seven days:


Some Nights - FUN.

Best clean version I could find

And the second is a response to the first, and what I hope those feelings are met with when I am down on my knees expressing them:

Home - Phillip Phillips

Actually everything in that video is pretty applicable to my past two years as well. Except for the giant rock concert.
Enjoy.

The big day is here

Sister Bailey returns from her mission tonight!  We are so excited to have her home and so proud of her service this past 18 months.  She will be speaking in church this Sunday, September 26th, at 1:00 p.m.  All are welcome!

This is the testimony last of all

September 20, 2010

    

 This week has been the last of a lot of things, but Sunday felt like it. The last time I usher people into the west theatre, the last sacrament meeting in Nauvoo, the last district meeting, the last time listening to a general authority speak to me as a missionary (I don’t care what anyone says, its different as a missionary), the last dinner at the Ludwigs with all the sisters (I went back for seconds), the last drive down the river road, the last time I’ll watch the lilies on the Mississippi turn from white to a hazelnut-mud brown, one last time serving in Carthage, the last time testifying of the story there, the last district discussion with the senior couples…Today hasn’t been much different. Last load of laundry, last walk down Muholland Street, last e-mail etc.. I am acutely aware that I am leaving. The closer and closer it gets the more peaceful I’ve felt about the timing, the past and the future. Peace eases our burdens, but it doesn’t take them away. We still bare them, but we “cannot feel them upon our backs”.  I guess what I’m saying is that I wouldn't have it any other way, but I still have a fog of sadness about me. Maybe not even sadness, just somber...ness. I feel very sober about pretty much everything. My sense of humor is all but gone. Sister Schetselaar was such a great last companion. She helped keep me healthily focused. We set goals, we reached them, we conquered lessons. We speak only in British accents after nine. She acted as if I wasn’t going home even when I’ve felt completely overwhelmed and surrounded by it all. It’s exactly what I needed.

     Sister Aston is writing her family next to me. We’ve spent most the day packing and shopping and getting things done. Tomorrow we’ll serve in the visitors center, I’ll have my exit interview, and then we’ll be busy for the rest of the night with the temple, dinner at the Ludwigs for all the sister leaving, and one last show of Rendezvous.  I would imagine that even in the midst of it all it won't really feel like it’s happening to me. Watching Rendezvous will be the last thing we do here in Nauvoo.

     As I’ve been writing this I had a very odd thought come to my head. I wondered if this was how the Savoir felt in His last days. He knew He had to finish His course and do what His Father had asked of Him, but He too had served, lived, laughed, loved, and now it was nearly finished. I see that as an odd thought because what the Savor went through is completely different, much more sacred, much more intense and something that I will never have to face in my life. I am grateful for that. I won't have to face a lot of things because of what He went through.  Some of the things I will never have to face are purely because He faced them for me. But I do know that regardless of how separated I may be from the things He felt in those last days He is not separated from what I am feeling in mine as a missionary. He did feel this way. He felt and knows how every missionary feels when they are torn from a world they love and are thrust back into one they’ve grown estranged from. He felt and knows exactly how it feels for a parent to lose a child and vice aversa. Not only that, but He knows how a specific parent feels to lose a specific child. He knows how a patient feels when they are told they have cancer, incurable or otherwise, and how it feels to be the doctor who breaks the news. He knows how it feels at the point of recognition when we finally see the error in our ways. He knows how it feels to have to correct it and how hard it is to find peace again.

     There are so many more things I have gained on my mission than given. Eternal friendships, a greater understanding of His love for me and for all people, a firmer knowledge of His plan for us, where we came from, why we’re here and where we’re going, and most importantly how we get there. A closer relationship with the spirit, softer heart, a better view of myself.  18 months has felt like 18 seconds, but it’s time now. In those short 18 seconds my entire eternity has been altered. I love Jesus Christ. I know Him. He is the Savior and Redeemer of the world. As we come to better know Him we better know our way. He is our way. He is the light and the life of the world. He has drawn a clear line and I will be found on His side. The Missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can and are more than willing to help anyone come to know Him better. They are His representatives and are commissioned by the only true and living church on the Earth. This is His Church. The Savior’s Church. After centuries of being lost, it’s here. I'm humbled to be a part of it.

 

Sister Bailey

 

mormon.org

lds.org

reliefsociety.org 

Redifining Lines

September 13, 2010
This morning we went to the temple. It was a wonderful start to the day and a wonderful start to the transfer. I received a wonderful confirmation about my travel plans, which sounds funny, but I did. I wanted to know that it was the right thing to do, not that I was making an effort to run from everything that makes me nervous about going home. It's not. It's the right thing to do. I don't know why and maybe I never will, but I need to travel. It will all work out. It already is. I know that sometimes when we do the right thing, things are hard, it feels like hell itself is rising up to meet us, but this time it's not. Everything is falling into place.
I had a rather direct answer to my prayers the other day in the visitor's center. When Sister Hamano and I left the call center to go down to the floor I , for some reason had a sadness come over me. I was sad about a lot of things. I was having a hard time concentrating. While on the floor I became very easily frustrated and was caused to go the the Christus, listen and then head for a bathroom stall to be alone. I prayed. I called for my Father in Heaven and felt Him around me. It felt so natural to speak to Him in that moment. I expressed what was going on and then remembered then endless admonitions that we have received from Prophets and apostles, both living and dead, to look outside ourselves and serve. I then expressed my desire to serve, that I wanted to just help someone. Give me peace and help me help someone, lift someone. So then I went to the floor again to stand and wait for visitors. It didn't take long before and visitor found me, walking up to me as I approached him. He was a young man named David, just graduated from BYU and on his way back to Gaithersburg Maryland, not far from my house. The first thing he said to me was, "Hey! can you help me..." I was shocked at how direct Heavenly Father had decided to bless me with an opportunity of service. with a smile I couldn't hide I said, "Yes! what can I help you with?" He was lost, actually stranded. He had been stranded by the storm the night before and now had to wait for his engine to get fixed. He had never been to Nauvoo and was having a hard time "wrapping his brain around this place". We talked about the map and briefly about how God brings people here for a purpose and how excited he should be to be here. He wanted a tour so I grabbed a Sister and we went along. The spirit was very sweet. At the end of the tour we talked a little about youth programs and his plans for home and then got him settled into some plans for the rest of his day, Sunday and Monday. Then he was happily off to the temple. My heart was full as I watched him leave. I always knew God answered prayer, but my testimony has grown so much about how quickly and directly he answers them. He is so mindful of us. I love Him. I love God and I love Jesus Christ.
Yes, we had transfers on Sunday. I am still in Nauvoo. My new companion is Sister Schetelaar. I am thrilled. She's an awesome missionary and incredibly easy to love. I want to be easy to love. That's something I'm working on. Softer though I may be than before my mission I can still be kind of prickly when I want to be. Thank goodness we always have more to work on. Life would get boring if we ever stagnated. Sister Schetelaar and I have set some good goals. We're gathering scriptures this week to help us better teach about Heavenly Father's Plan for us and it is going to be so fun. I love that lesson! It is so full of God's love!
The last day Sister Hamano and I were together was wonderful. We served at the Brigham Young home and told stories as we studied. I was reminded very clearly about certain things that happened right before I left on my mission, things I need to follow up on. I have a goal to write back ten letters today. It should be good. After that happens I will be all caught up and ready to go.
I am excited for this week. Sister Schetselaar and I are going to plow through it. I can't wait to learn as much as possible from her and I hope to be some benefit to her as well. I know that it's all going to go to fast and that, I guess, is my constant for the transfer. It all feels very strange to be at this point.
We were blessed to be able to listen to Elder Hallstrom this week. I learned so much while he was here. I guess the most important thing is that I have learned so much while I've been here. He spoke about "The name of Jesus Christ". Specifically, "In the name of Jesus Christ", which is a phrase used quite often among the Latter- day Saints. He spoke about it's true meaning how special and sacred it really is when we do use it. And how much it can teach us as we think about it's use. It most often refers to " The authority of Christ", "The mission of Christ and "The essence of Christ". I'm excited to go through to Book of Mormon and figure out which way it's being used.
We watched a movie for sociable, which was strange but approved by president. It was a good movie: "The Christmas Wish". It made me think hard about my Savior and my interactions with others. Justice is never ours to administer..... it is God's. We are to become like the Savior and, as such, should learn mercy and love before ever paying a mind to justice.
Eric Sande and also Sister Morgan both said something about missions along the same lines as one another. Eric was referring to his future mission and said, "I know my mission will eternally change me, but I am not scared". Sister Morgan said, "The things here in Nauvoo have changed us for eternity". Eric's comment was the first to bring the concept to my attention. Missions really do change eternities, for everyone involved..... missionary, investigators, contenders and members. Missions draw lines. It redefines lines and continually invites all people to pick a side. It alters eternities. It has altered mine anyway. I know I have said it before, but there really is no going back. We only go forward. "My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is bright", not to mention in the hands of someone who loves me more than I can comprehend. Sometimes, when I listen to myself, a lot of my fears and trepidations feel silly.

Sister Bailey