Sunday, May 26, 2013

Life keeps going. Even when the blog stops.

So I haven't been on here in a bit, but I've thought about being on here. I always have these moments of "that would be such a good blog". But then I don't.

Anyway, I have a hodgepodge of things to say. Mostly short little snippet of those "this would be such a good blog" moments. 

1. I went to Moab with a friend a couple weeks ago. First time. It was my first time. It snowed on the way back which slowed the drive a bit and the car for some reason was extra quite, so to stay awake we just started asking each other questions. Fun ones, funny one, serious ones and not so fun ones. We learned a lot about each other. He asked me a question that really made me think. He asked me what I would ask God given the chance if I only had one question and it couldn't be about my past present or future. Actually, it just flat out couldn't be about me. It took me a minute to think and I decided I'd ask Him, given the chance, what it felt like to watch us stumble and or hurt. I know what it feels like to have that distance from this side of the veil, but what is it like to experience it from where He is? I was grateful for my friends inquiry. In that moment I had a desire to know God better than I felt I did. It made me think about how many times I get on my knees and just thank him for things, tell Him about my day, ask for things for me, for others and then just go to bed, or work or eat my food. I want to ask Him more questions about Himself. I mean in the long run He already knows me. he wants to hear from me yes, but I would benefit from Him showing Himself to me so much more than me showing myself to Him. 

2. Forced. So God likes to, or has to maybe, force me to do things. Which is only half true because really God doesn't force anyone one to do anythings, but as a result of reading a mission companion's blog and having a conversation with someone recently I had this thought that sometimes God seems to  put me in positions that, based on what I know to be right, forces me to make choices that I do not want to make. Or feel things I do not want to feel. Things that I'm pretty good at avoiding on my own.  I could go on for a long time with examples, one being my mission call. I was called to mission that had 22 or more sisters and zero elders. Or the fact that I sang every other week in church in addition to a big performance mid-summer. I have no doubt that God has a sense of humor. 
The things I have been seemingly "forced" into since my mission have been less than humorous though. I have been force to give up the death grip I had on a friendship that in someways impeded my ability to move forward in my life. It had been such a huge strength for such a long time. I was forced to be on the other side of someones hurtful actions. Hurtful actions that I had seen but had never been directed at me before. I dont think I thought that they could/would ever be directed at me. But they were. And it ultimately needed to happen. For both of us.
I have been forced to hurt someone and hold my ground with it.
I have a tendency to generally seek and find all the good parts, the God parts, in peoples personalities. I care deeply for people in general. I love, and love deeply, but it's an even playing field. I forced myself to care deeper for someone than other people. I worked at it. And my efforts paid off. I cultivated hopes and desires that I hadn't had before. And in turn I was quickly forced to see the worst in them. I have been forced to see the worst in people I have perfected in my mind on a number of occasions since being home. And I have hated every second of it. I can honestly say that each one has been one of the most painful things I have ever been through.
I have been forced to leave safe places.
I have been forced to be friends with someone that I was putting effort into not being friends with. 
I have been forced to be very cared for. To be the recipient of Love and thoughtfulness. When I least wanted it. 
I have been forced to be alone with myself when I felt I was not ready for it. To be alone for hours and hours at a time. Endless emptiness to fill with all sorts of thoughts. Both healthy and unhealthy. 

I'm still unsure where any of this leaves me now. If I am better off, or not; where I will be in a years time as a result of it all,  or not...but I have seen God's hand in it. Whether that has been because He has been behind it or because He has just been there for me through it I'm also and unsure of, but either way its a comfort and a hope that everything really will be ok.

3. Heavenly Father Blessed me with the opportunity to be an Aunt to two more beautiful nephews. I mean seriously my siblings make the most amazing little humans. Shortly after both of them were born we were all able to gather for a family reunion. Bailey beach week. My mom and I took a day to kidnap the babies while the moms and the other kids played on the beach, baby free. I was able spend hours holding the smallest, smiliest, peaceful cry babies. But really they mostly slept. Both are magnificent little babes and barely whine. Cuddling with them is happiness. I am continually amazed at how much I love my nephews. Each one. They aren't even my kids and I want the world for them. They teach me every time I see them: to be happy, to remember to let people know that they are wanted, to have fun, to spend time with someone doing something you don't want to be doing purely because you'd rather be with them, to laugh, to take pride in small things, and to pay attention to how you feel. To laugh when you are happy, cry when you are hurt and and sleep when you are tired.