Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The gift and curse of Time

So, the fourth of July is my best friend's favorite holiday and I will not be spending it with him. Which is disappointing, frustrating and makes me angry with myself. It's just one thing of many that I was looking forward to this summer and now will not be experiencing.
I'm not sure if I have many if any words of wisdom for this post. In fact I feel like my "word to the wise" streak ended with my mission. I am often at a  loss of what to say, which is again disappointing, frustrating and makes more than me I'm sure, angry. I had a 3rd grade teacher once tell my mom that I was belligerent based on my refusal to respond to her when she spoke to me. To be honest I wasn't belligerent, I was at a lost for words. Mostly because she was scary. She was a wicked woman, but not in the Book of Mormon sense of the word. Just in the, lady, you are a psycho witch sense of the word. She was mean. To children. Seriously? Who does that? I digress. At any rate, it would seem I haven't changed much because I still find myself at a lost for words when things are scary. And again, things have only become scary since someone was super mean to me. Which is rude to say the least and has been damaging to say too much.
A bit ago I lost myself: a girl I very much liked, was proud of and confident in. She essentially died. Dead. Kaput. I miss her. I keep waiting for a resurrection of some kind and I do not think it's coming. Besides that, even the spirit in the spirit world waiting for a physical resurrection are working more than waiting. They have jobs to do. Much to my dismay I think it's time to reinvent. To let go of something, someone who was good and right and confident and refined and courageous and try for something new. It will take effort and goal setting and cultivating desire. Those same desires that girl seems to have taken to the grave with her. Those are mine. And I still need them. I need to loose sight of the resurrection of things and capture the meaning of the scripture that teaches that in Christ we become "new creatures". I believe that, I do. I think my problem is that I didn't and don't really want to be a new creature. I want to go back to where I was and change and progress from that reference point.  But that reference point is long gone. It was snuffed out and I can't go back as much as I want to.
It seems a silly thing for a 25 year old to be so scared on account of someone else's choices, but that is where I have found myself.
Which brings me to the title of the blog. The blessing and curse of time. I have recently been given the gift of time in a rather unpleasant way. I am grateful for the time I have to find my focal point again, but when I lose sight of it, which happens from time to time I catch sight of what I might be losing and I freak out. I have to steady myself, take deep breaths and keep on praying and pressing forward and hope that I wont be met with nothing on the other side of this. On one hand I feel I have been given time, on the other I feel pressed for it. I fear my respect for a request has been taken as a slight for something more valuable that anything else I can think of and it worries me. I try to keep my head up and spirit in tune and my pen down all at the same time. I feel like the more I try to build the more I break and the less I am valued or remembered. I try to trust God that what is meant to happen will happen and everything really will be ok. I have been hoping that for quite sometime.
It doesn't take much for someone to hate you, but it takes a lot for someone to love you. I try to remember that as I move forward. That the opinions of those that love me mean more than those that don't. Particularly those that dislike and even hate me. Part of me is very afraid of all this "time" I have been given because I'm actually not sure I have really been given it. I feel like I will come out on the other side and just break harder and deeper than I did before because of my assumption that it would be so very different.
Things that have been good for me lately:

I'm taking a personal revelation class this summer and it's been really cool. The teacher hurt his back really bad and wont be teaching it anymore. and the person I used to attend it with doesn't go anymore. I'm trying to be brave and keep going.

This one about Change. My best friend shared it with me and I cried all the way through it. There is a lot in there I think we could all think about and dwell on. I try to keep it in mind as I try to co-invent this "new creature" that I am supposed to be and become through Christ.

This one about letting go and essentially...change. I find myself obsessed with finding out where I went wrong in order to be flawless in the future. I need to let go of that "marathon". Its NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

And this one, about doubts and how Satan uses them against us either to bring us down or beat us up.

And recently, anything alittleoffthebeatenpath puts up. In so many ways he is so much better than I am.

This blog is so much less than I wanted it to be. I am up too late and get up too early. Maybe I will actually be able to convey an idea on this thing again one day.