Friday, June 28, 2013

Greater Resolve

Before I graduated I had this fear of myself. I did not want to have to work, not because I am lazy, but because I am a workaholic. I thought that if I were to ever get a job I would never want to leave it. It would consume me. And I was fine with not getting a job because I wanted to be a mom anyway. I had no qualms with that role and really looked forward to it. And I didn't think my workaholic would be fed because, well, I was going to be married by the time I graduated. And my husband? He would graduate either the same time or shortly after me. Because life pretty much works perfectly like that, for-no-one-ever.
Anyway, I'm graduated now, very much not married and, heaven bless, I have a job! Which is a huge blessing. And yes, I am a workaholic. I work long hours and then get off early ever friday because of it, it's fantastic. I love my boss. I love my co workers and it pays the bills. I have also learned that my fears, were largely unfounded. I very much under estimated my desire to one day be a mother. And not just biologically, I mean a full time thats my job mom. A mom that puts being a mom first. A mom that is home when her kids get home and feels like being a mom is the most important thing she could be doing. A mom like my mom.
I have wonderful co-workers. They are all awesome people. So fun, so nice, so hard working. I am blessed to know any and all of them. However, no matter how much I admire them in the work place I would not trade lives for anything. I never want to become them even with all of their wonderful attributes. I remember having friends with working mothers and being confused and frustrated listening to the phone calls that went on between them. It hasn't been any different listening to the other side. the impatience, shortness and again, confusion and frustration is hard to listen to. I don't want to parent over the phone. And I want to mostly enjoy my children when I am home. Everybody's kids drive them nuts, yes, but I feel like it should be a mostly joyous thing. I had one co-worker tell me that maybe if she didn't have kids, she'd stay home. Another that she couldn't imagine being a stay at home mom, that her kids drive her crazy one the weekends and that she can't wait for monday to come.
Although I love my job, I don't ever want to love working. Not like that. Not more than my kids or more than my husband. I am mostly happy. And like I said, such a blessing to have a job, love my boss, love my co-workers, but I will not be sad when this chapter of my life is over. And this one begins:

But until then, I will find happiness and fulfillment in this one:

Lindsey LeCheminant, please start having babies. Thank you.