Friday, October 18, 2013

New Blog.

So I made a new blog. I'm still getting it all together, but that's were I will be writing now when I do (I Don't do it nearly as often as I should). This blog was started when I left on my mission and has served me VERY well. I went to write a post today and decided that I really would like this one to just stay Sister Bailey's blog. I feel like I've kind of wrecked it with all the changes I made and I now wish I hadn't. I'm leaving all the posts, even the one's written post mission, but I am archive this one. Here's to Sister Bailey! Cheers*

SO, my new blog?

And I will try to write in it more often.

And, as a side note, I used to gush about all of everyone on this everytime I closed a blog. So for old times sake:

Know that you are loved beyond measure and that that is something that will never change. There's just no reason for it to. You are amazing and wonderful and I still love and appreciate all of you.

Sister Bailey

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The gift and curse of Time

So, the fourth of July is my best friend's favorite holiday and I will not be spending it with him. Which is disappointing, frustrating and makes me angry with myself. It's just one thing of many that I was looking forward to this summer and now will not be experiencing.
I'm not sure if I have many if any words of wisdom for this post. In fact I feel like my "word to the wise" streak ended with my mission. I am often at a  loss of what to say, which is again disappointing, frustrating and makes more than me I'm sure, angry. I had a 3rd grade teacher once tell my mom that I was belligerent based on my refusal to respond to her when she spoke to me. To be honest I wasn't belligerent, I was at a lost for words. Mostly because she was scary. She was a wicked woman, but not in the Book of Mormon sense of the word. Just in the, lady, you are a psycho witch sense of the word. She was mean. To children. Seriously? Who does that? I digress. At any rate, it would seem I haven't changed much because I still find myself at a lost for words when things are scary. And again, things have only become scary since someone was super mean to me. Which is rude to say the least and has been damaging to say too much.
A bit ago I lost myself: a girl I very much liked, was proud of and confident in. She essentially died. Dead. Kaput. I miss her. I keep waiting for a resurrection of some kind and I do not think it's coming. Besides that, even the spirit in the spirit world waiting for a physical resurrection are working more than waiting. They have jobs to do. Much to my dismay I think it's time to reinvent. To let go of something, someone who was good and right and confident and refined and courageous and try for something new. It will take effort and goal setting and cultivating desire. Those same desires that girl seems to have taken to the grave with her. Those are mine. And I still need them. I need to loose sight of the resurrection of things and capture the meaning of the scripture that teaches that in Christ we become "new creatures". I believe that, I do. I think my problem is that I didn't and don't really want to be a new creature. I want to go back to where I was and change and progress from that reference point.  But that reference point is long gone. It was snuffed out and I can't go back as much as I want to.
It seems a silly thing for a 25 year old to be so scared on account of someone else's choices, but that is where I have found myself.
Which brings me to the title of the blog. The blessing and curse of time. I have recently been given the gift of time in a rather unpleasant way. I am grateful for the time I have to find my focal point again, but when I lose sight of it, which happens from time to time I catch sight of what I might be losing and I freak out. I have to steady myself, take deep breaths and keep on praying and pressing forward and hope that I wont be met with nothing on the other side of this. On one hand I feel I have been given time, on the other I feel pressed for it. I fear my respect for a request has been taken as a slight for something more valuable that anything else I can think of and it worries me. I try to keep my head up and spirit in tune and my pen down all at the same time. I feel like the more I try to build the more I break and the less I am valued or remembered. I try to trust God that what is meant to happen will happen and everything really will be ok. I have been hoping that for quite sometime.
It doesn't take much for someone to hate you, but it takes a lot for someone to love you. I try to remember that as I move forward. That the opinions of those that love me mean more than those that don't. Particularly those that dislike and even hate me. Part of me is very afraid of all this "time" I have been given because I'm actually not sure I have really been given it. I feel like I will come out on the other side and just break harder and deeper than I did before because of my assumption that it would be so very different.
Things that have been good for me lately:

I'm taking a personal revelation class this summer and it's been really cool. The teacher hurt his back really bad and wont be teaching it anymore. and the person I used to attend it with doesn't go anymore. I'm trying to be brave and keep going.

This one about Change. My best friend shared it with me and I cried all the way through it. There is a lot in there I think we could all think about and dwell on. I try to keep it in mind as I try to co-invent this "new creature" that I am supposed to be and become through Christ.

This one about letting go and essentially...change. I find myself obsessed with finding out where I went wrong in order to be flawless in the future. I need to let go of that "marathon". Its NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

And this one, about doubts and how Satan uses them against us either to bring us down or beat us up.

And recently, anything alittleoffthebeatenpath puts up. In so many ways he is so much better than I am.

This blog is so much less than I wanted it to be. I am up too late and get up too early. Maybe I will actually be able to convey an idea on this thing again one day.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Greater Resolve

Before I graduated I had this fear of myself. I did not want to have to work, not because I am lazy, but because I am a workaholic. I thought that if I were to ever get a job I would never want to leave it. It would consume me. And I was fine with not getting a job because I wanted to be a mom anyway. I had no qualms with that role and really looked forward to it. And I didn't think my workaholic would be fed because, well, I was going to be married by the time I graduated. And my husband? He would graduate either the same time or shortly after me. Because life pretty much works perfectly like that, for-no-one-ever.
Anyway, I'm graduated now, very much not married and, heaven bless, I have a job! Which is a huge blessing. And yes, I am a workaholic. I work long hours and then get off early ever friday because of it, it's fantastic. I love my boss. I love my co workers and it pays the bills. I have also learned that my fears, were largely unfounded. I very much under estimated my desire to one day be a mother. And not just biologically, I mean a full time thats my job mom. A mom that puts being a mom first. A mom that is home when her kids get home and feels like being a mom is the most important thing she could be doing. A mom like my mom.
I have wonderful co-workers. They are all awesome people. So fun, so nice, so hard working. I am blessed to know any and all of them. However, no matter how much I admire them in the work place I would not trade lives for anything. I never want to become them even with all of their wonderful attributes. I remember having friends with working mothers and being confused and frustrated listening to the phone calls that went on between them. It hasn't been any different listening to the other side. the impatience, shortness and again, confusion and frustration is hard to listen to. I don't want to parent over the phone. And I want to mostly enjoy my children when I am home. Everybody's kids drive them nuts, yes, but I feel like it should be a mostly joyous thing. I had one co-worker tell me that maybe if she didn't have kids, she'd stay home. Another that she couldn't imagine being a stay at home mom, that her kids drive her crazy one the weekends and that she can't wait for monday to come.
Although I love my job, I don't ever want to love working. Not like that. Not more than my kids or more than my husband. I am mostly happy. And like I said, such a blessing to have a job, love my boss, love my co-workers, but I will not be sad when this chapter of my life is over. And this one begins:

But until then, I will find happiness and fulfillment in this one:

Lindsey LeCheminant, please start having babies. Thank you. 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Life keeps going. Even when the blog stops.

So I haven't been on here in a bit, but I've thought about being on here. I always have these moments of "that would be such a good blog". But then I don't.

Anyway, I have a hodgepodge of things to say. Mostly short little snippet of those "this would be such a good blog" moments. 

1. I went to Moab with a friend a couple weeks ago. First time. It was my first time. It snowed on the way back which slowed the drive a bit and the car for some reason was extra quite, so to stay awake we just started asking each other questions. Fun ones, funny one, serious ones and not so fun ones. We learned a lot about each other. He asked me a question that really made me think. He asked me what I would ask God given the chance if I only had one question and it couldn't be about my past present or future. Actually, it just flat out couldn't be about me. It took me a minute to think and I decided I'd ask Him, given the chance, what it felt like to watch us stumble and or hurt. I know what it feels like to have that distance from this side of the veil, but what is it like to experience it from where He is? I was grateful for my friends inquiry. In that moment I had a desire to know God better than I felt I did. It made me think about how many times I get on my knees and just thank him for things, tell Him about my day, ask for things for me, for others and then just go to bed, or work or eat my food. I want to ask Him more questions about Himself. I mean in the long run He already knows me. he wants to hear from me yes, but I would benefit from Him showing Himself to me so much more than me showing myself to Him. 

2. Forced. So God likes to, or has to maybe, force me to do things. Which is only half true because really God doesn't force anyone one to do anythings, but as a result of reading a mission companion's blog and having a conversation with someone recently I had this thought that sometimes God seems to  put me in positions that, based on what I know to be right, forces me to make choices that I do not want to make. Or feel things I do not want to feel. Things that I'm pretty good at avoiding on my own.  I could go on for a long time with examples, one being my mission call. I was called to mission that had 22 or more sisters and zero elders. Or the fact that I sang every other week in church in addition to a big performance mid-summer. I have no doubt that God has a sense of humor. 
The things I have been seemingly "forced" into since my mission have been less than humorous though. I have been force to give up the death grip I had on a friendship that in someways impeded my ability to move forward in my life. It had been such a huge strength for such a long time. I was forced to be on the other side of someones hurtful actions. Hurtful actions that I had seen but had never been directed at me before. I dont think I thought that they could/would ever be directed at me. But they were. And it ultimately needed to happen. For both of us.
I have been forced to hurt someone and hold my ground with it.
I have a tendency to generally seek and find all the good parts, the God parts, in peoples personalities. I care deeply for people in general. I love, and love deeply, but it's an even playing field. I forced myself to care deeper for someone than other people. I worked at it. And my efforts paid off. I cultivated hopes and desires that I hadn't had before. And in turn I was quickly forced to see the worst in them. I have been forced to see the worst in people I have perfected in my mind on a number of occasions since being home. And I have hated every second of it. I can honestly say that each one has been one of the most painful things I have ever been through.
I have been forced to leave safe places.
I have been forced to be friends with someone that I was putting effort into not being friends with. 
I have been forced to be very cared for. To be the recipient of Love and thoughtfulness. When I least wanted it. 
I have been forced to be alone with myself when I felt I was not ready for it. To be alone for hours and hours at a time. Endless emptiness to fill with all sorts of thoughts. Both healthy and unhealthy. 

I'm still unsure where any of this leaves me now. If I am better off, or not; where I will be in a years time as a result of it all,  or not...but I have seen God's hand in it. Whether that has been because He has been behind it or because He has just been there for me through it I'm also and unsure of, but either way its a comfort and a hope that everything really will be ok.

3. Heavenly Father Blessed me with the opportunity to be an Aunt to two more beautiful nephews. I mean seriously my siblings make the most amazing little humans. Shortly after both of them were born we were all able to gather for a family reunion. Bailey beach week. My mom and I took a day to kidnap the babies while the moms and the other kids played on the beach, baby free. I was able spend hours holding the smallest, smiliest, peaceful cry babies. But really they mostly slept. Both are magnificent little babes and barely whine. Cuddling with them is happiness. I am continually amazed at how much I love my nephews. Each one. They aren't even my kids and I want the world for them. They teach me every time I see them: to be happy, to remember to let people know that they are wanted, to have fun, to spend time with someone doing something you don't want to be doing purely because you'd rather be with them, to laugh, to take pride in small things, and to pay attention to how you feel. To laugh when you are happy, cry when you are hurt and and sleep when you are tired.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Nothing like beauty to Humble an ungrateful heart.

Life is hard. And tiresome sometimes. I hate to admit it but I have at times said something to the effect of "Life is too long. Who in their right mind would want to be here for 90+ years?"

Answer: Everyone.

Seriously though. This world and this time in this world is so exciting. We all (especially me) need to take the time to appreciate the beauty that has been placed here for us and realize that we will never be able to soak it all in. NEVER. Disappointing realization? Yes. But at least you'll enjoy your time here more and not take for granted all that you've been given. When I watched this video on Youtube is reminded me about that feeling I got when I saw the stars in Fiji. The world stopped. Maybe I'll write about that later.

Apostle Stalked.

It would seem that this man stalks my blog:

Does that not sound like a direct response to my last bit about Faith? I felt like a rock in my seat as he spoke. Open,  vulnerable and rather paid-attention-too. I love conference. This was one of many many many AMAZING talks. I will definitely be writing about more of them.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Battle Of The Virtues.

I have wanted to write this post for quite some time. Hannah Peacock can attest to that. I told her all about it. I love that lady.

This post is a compilation of sunday school/Relief Society lessons and that study I was doing on Christ and the Atonement. ...and other talks and firesides actually. Anyway, there seemed to arise a theme in my studies this month about "not shrinking". It seemed to creep into everything I read or listened to.

On March 10, 2013 Katie (katy?...I dunno) taught the lesson and she said this awesome stuff:
In reference to what the scriptural command to be perfect really meant -
"Perfect" is to be complete, to be finished. Not Perfection. To be perfect in Christ? To be complete in Christ. To be finished in Christ.
She then bore her testimony and said, "We do not need to worry that we continually struggle with the same things over and over and over again because we have a Savior".

For some reason that hit me really hard. In a good and a bad way. There was like this huge burden lifted and a sharp blow somewhere in the back of my head at the same time. I have not been nice to myself for going on a little over a year now, and I'm working on it, but I mean really not very nice at all. I will beat myself up over something and then beat myself up for beating myself up. It's cyclical, and involves a lot of "Why can't I?", "Why do I?" or "How come I never?"  questions that just aren't very productive or answerable. At all. So I sat there and I was Taught. Capital T intended.

Regardless of what actually happened:

So that next week I listened to and read talks and scriptures that all talked about not shrinking, not giving in, enduring to the end, and not in a way that just involved surviving, because "not shrinking is so much more important than surviving". Trust me, it was drilled into my head. I heard the story of the couple who got married and immediately faced a fight with cancer. The couple who received a blessing but was asked first, "Do you have the faith not to be healed?"
So I was and was not surprised when on sunday they played one of the same talks I had listened to that week that included that story in the Relief Society lesson. What surprised me the most was the very different take I had on it than I had had before. I always attributed it to the very narrow scope of the question "Do you have the faith not to be healed?" or in other words, Do you have the faith to die? If you are sick and this blessing does not heal you, will it shake your faith? or will you be angry with God? Honestly? yeah. I do. I can die. I'm good with that. I can be sick and not be angry with God. I connect Him with healing and strength I do not hold Him accountable for a lack of healing. Not His fault. Happens. He's got it figured out.
But this time the question was not so narrow, or maybe it wasn't as broad? Other questions arose, ones that were not mine, ones that I have never asked myself. Do I have the faith for it not to work out? For anything not to work out? Do I have the faith to fail? Do I have the faith to make a recipe and have it taste absolutely awful and not base my personal worth on it? Do I have the faith to walk in late and not think everyone hates me or thinks less of me? Do I have the faith to mess up and refrain from condemning myself?
Here is where the battle of the virtues comes in, because honestly? No. No I do not I do not have that kind of Faith. I have the faith to see miracles, the faith to make things happen, the faith to make progress. And that answer to those questions, the loud resounding "NO" echoed through my brain.


HOWEVER. Faith itself seems to combat honesty in this instance. Alma 32:27 "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than adesire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

So do I in effect have this kind of faith just by wanting it? Because I do want it. I think I will be a happier person, I better disciple of Christ and grow closer to God and have greater claim on the peace this gospel brings if I do. And I want all those things.

So here's the big question Sister Bailey, do you have the faith to fail? I have mulled it over and over and over again in my head. Can I fail? Am I ok with that? How come this question has never occurred to me before? It may be that merciless voice in my head that says to me "Oh so things have gotten harder? Then work harder". I don't think I meant it that way when I wrote it and I don't think I was wrong to write it either. I think there is a great deal of value in not letting ourselves be complacent in the least bit. To keep "pressing forward". But I do have a "suck it up" attitude that just kind of sucks sometimes. It's one thing to not let yourself become complacent. A good thing. It's another thing entirely to refuse to be forgiving. Particularly with yourself. A bad thing. A cyclically detrimental thing that will tear you apart from the inside out. And I have been doing it for far too long. "Pressing forward" with out that "Steadfast faith in Christ" really isn't progress at all. It's a stale mate. And when we don't forgive ourselves, we are lacking that steadfast faith in Christ.

And with that here we go.....Discouragement is dumb:

Bring on conference yeah? Cant. Wait.