Life keeps going. Even when the blog stops.

So I haven't been on here in a bit, but I've thought about being on here. I always have these moments of "that would be such a good blog". But then I don't.

Anyway, I have a hodgepodge of things to say. Mostly short little snippet of those "this would be such a good blog" moments. 

1. I went to Moab with a friend a couple weeks ago. First time. It was my first time. It snowed on the way back which slowed the drive a bit and the car for some reason was extra quite, so to stay awake we just started asking each other questions. Fun ones, funny one, serious ones and not so fun ones. We learned a lot about each other. He asked me a question that really made me think. He asked me what I would ask God given the chance if I only had one question and it couldn't be about my past present or future. Actually, it just flat out couldn't be about me. It took me a minute to think and I decided I'd ask Him, given the chance, what it felt like to watch us stumble and or hurt. I know what it feels like to have that distance from this side of the veil, but what is it like to experience it from where He is? I was grateful for my friends inquiry. In that moment I had a desire to know God better than I felt I did. It made me think about how many times I get on my knees and just thank him for things, tell Him about my day, ask for things for me, for others and then just go to bed, or work or eat my food. I want to ask Him more questions about Himself. I mean in the long run He already knows me. he wants to hear from me yes, but I would benefit from Him showing Himself to me so much more than me showing myself to Him. 

2. Forced. So God likes to, or has to maybe, force me to do things. Which is only half true because really God doesn't force anyone one to do anythings, but as a result of reading a mission companion's blog and having a conversation with someone recently I had this thought that sometimes God seems to  put me in positions that, based on what I know to be right, forces me to make choices that I do not want to make. Or feel things I do not want to feel. Things that I'm pretty good at avoiding on my own.  I could go on for a long time with examples, one being my mission call. I was called to mission that had 22 or more sisters and zero elders. Or the fact that I sang every other week in church in addition to a big performance mid-summer. I have no doubt that God has a sense of humor. 

The things I have been seemingly "forced" into since my mission have been less than humorous though. I have been force to give up the death grip I had on a friendship that in someways impeded my ability to move forward in my life. It had been such a huge strength for such a long time. I was forced to be on the other side of someones hurtful actions. Hurtful actions that I had seen but had never been directed at me before. I dont think I thought that they could/would ever be directed at me. But they were. And it ultimately needed to happen. For both of us.

I have been forced to hurt someone and hold my ground with it.

I have a tendency to generally seek and find all the good parts, the God parts, in peoples personalities. I care deeply for people in general. I love, and love deeply, but it's an even playing field. I forced myself to care deeper for someone than other people. I worked at it. And my efforts paid off. I cultivated hopes and desires that I hadn't had before. And in turn I was quickly forced to see the worst in them. I have been forced to see the worst in people I have perfected in my mind on a number of occasions since being home. And I have hated every second of it. I can honestly say that each one has been one of the most painful things I have ever been through.

I have been forced to leave safe places.

I have been forced to be friends with someone that I was putting effort into not being friends with. 

I have been forced to be very cared for. To be the recipient of Love and thoughtfulness. When I least wanted it. 

I have been forced to be alone with myself when I felt I was not ready for it. To be alone for hours and hours at a time. Endless emptiness to fill with all sorts of thoughts. Both healthy and unhealthy. 

I'm still unsure where any of this leaves me now. If I am better off, or not; where I will be in a years time as a result of it all,  or not...but I have seen God's hand in it. Whether that has been because He has been behind it or because He has just been there for me through it I'm also and unsure of, but either way its a comfort and a hope that everything really will be ok.

3. Heavenly Father Blessed me with the opportunity to be an Aunt to two more beautiful nephews. I mean seriously my siblings make the most amazing little humans. Shortly after both of them were born we were all able to gather for a family reunion. Bailey beach week. My mom and I took a day to kidnap the babies while the moms and the other kids played on the beach, baby free. I was able spend hours holding the smallest, smiliest, peaceful cry babies. But really they mostly slept. Both are magnificent little babes and barely whine. Cuddling with them is happiness. I am continually amazed at how much I love my nephews. Each one. They aren't even my kids and I want the world for them. They teach me every time I see them: to be happy, to remember to let people know that they are wanted, to have fun, to spend time with someone doing something you don't want to be doing purely because you'd rather be with them, to laugh, to take pride in small things, and to pay attention to how you feel. To laugh when you are happy, cry when you are hurt and and sleep when you are tired.

Nothing like beauty to Humble an ungrateful heart.

Life is hard. And tiresome sometimes. I hate to admit it but I have at times said something to the effect of "Life is too long. Who in their right mind would want to be here for 90+ years?"

Answer: Everyone.

Seriously though. This world and this time in this world is so exciting. We all (especially me) need to take the time to appreciate the beauty that has been placed here for us and realize that we will never be able to soak it all in. NEVER. Disappointing realization? Yes. But at least you'll enjoy your time here more and not take for granted all that you've been given. When I watched this video on Youtube is reminded me about that feeling I got when I saw the stars in Fiji. The world stopped. Maybe I'll write about that later.

Apostle Stalked.

It would seem that this man stalks my blog:

Does that not sound like a direct response to my last bit about Faith? I felt like a rock in my seat as he spoke. Open,  vulnerable and rather paid-attention-too. I love conference. This was one of many many many AMAZING talks. I will definitely be writing about more of them.

The Battle Of The Virtues.

I have wanted to write this post for quite some time. Hannah Peacock can attest to that. I told her all about it. I love that lady.

This post is a compilation of sunday school/Relief Society lessons and that study I was doing on Christ and the Atonement. ...and other talks and firesides actually. Anyway, there seemed to arise a theme in my studies this month about "not shrinking". It seemed to creep into everything I read or listened to.

On March 10, 2013 Katie (katy?...I dunno) taught the lesson and she said this awesome stuff:
In reference to what the scriptural command to be perfect really meant -
"Perfect" is to be complete, to be finished. Not Perfection. To be perfect in Christ? To be complete in Christ. To be finished in Christ.
She then bore her testimony and said, "We do not need to worry that we continually struggle with the same things over and over and over again because we have a Savior".

For some reason that hit me really hard. In a good and a bad way. There was like this huge burden lifted and a sharp blow somewhere in the back of my head at the same time. I have not been nice to myself for going on a little over a year now, and I'm working on it, but I mean really not very nice at all. I will beat myself up over something and then beat myself up for beating myself up. It's cyclical, and involves a lot of "Why can't I?", "Why do I?" or "How come I never?"  questions that just aren't very productive or answerable. At all. So I sat there and I was Taught. Capital T intended.

Regardless of what actually happened:

So that next week I listened to and read talks and scriptures that all talked about not shrinking, not giving in, enduring to the end, and not in a way that just involved surviving, because "not shrinking is so much more important than surviving". Trust me, it was drilled into my head. I heard the story of the couple who got married and immediately faced a fight with cancer. The couple who received a blessing but was asked first, "Do you have the faith not to be healed?"
So I was and was not surprised when on sunday they played one of the same talks I had listened to that week that included that story in the Relief Society lesson. What surprised me the most was the very different take I had on it than I had had before. I always attributed it to the very narrow scope of the question "Do you have the faith not to be healed?" or in other words, Do you have the faith to die? If you are sick and this blessing does not heal you, will it shake your faith? or will you be angry with God? Honestly? yeah. I do. I can die. I'm good with that. I can be sick and not be angry with God. I connect Him with healing and strength I do not hold Him accountable for a lack of healing. Not His fault. Happens. He's got it figured out.
But this time the question was not so narrow, or maybe it wasn't as broad? Other questions arose, ones that were not mine, ones that I have never asked myself. Do I have the faith for it not to work out? For anything not to work out? Do I have the faith to fail? Do I have the faith to make a recipe and have it taste absolutely awful and not base my personal worth on it? Do I have the faith to walk in late and not think everyone hates me or thinks less of me? Do I have the faith to mess up and refrain from condemning myself?
Here is where the battle of the virtues comes in, because honestly? No. No I do not I do not have that kind of Faith. I have the faith to see miracles, the faith to make things happen, the faith to make progress. And that answer to those questions, the loud resounding "NO" echoed through my brain.

                      NO.

NO.

HOWEVER. Faith itself seems to combat honesty in this instance. Alma 32:27 "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than ^adesire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

So do I in effect have this kind of faith just by wanting it? Because I do want it. I think I will be a happier person, I better disciple of Christ and grow closer to God and have greater claim on the peace this gospel brings if I do. And I want all those things.

So here's the big question Sister Bailey, do you have the faith to fail? I have mulled it over and over and over again in my head. Can I fail? Am I ok with that? How come this question has never occurred to me before? It may be that merciless voice in my head that says to me "Oh so things have gotten harder? Then work harder". I don't think I meant it that way when I wrote it and I don't think I was wrong to write it either. I think there is a great deal of value in not letting ourselves be complacent in the least bit. To keep "pressing forward". But I do have a "suck it up" attitude that just kind of sucks sometimes. It's one thing to not let yourself become complacent. A good thing. It's another thing entirely to refuse to be forgiving. Particularly with yourself. A bad thing. A cyclically detrimental thing that will tear you apart from the inside out. And I have been doing it for far too long. "Pressing forward" with out that "Steadfast faith in Christ" really isn't progress at all. It's a stale mate. And when we don't forgive ourselves, we are lacking that steadfast faith in Christ.

And with that here we go.....Discouragement is dumb:

Bring on conference yeah? Cant. Wait.

Marriage: an [eternally] committed relationship between a man and a woman

There seems to be a lot of talk about marriage lately. I believe that everyone should be able to say their fair share, make a statement, declare their beliefs. I do not however agree with bashing, insulting or ridiculing to make a point. Since facebook seems to cater to that kind of unkindness and chatter I figured if I had something to say I could say it here. Blogs have always appeared to me to be more civilized. I also feel like there is this pressure on facebook to either agree or disagree with what is said.

At any rate, for a number of reasons I've decided to express my thoughts here instead. First of all there are two postings I have come across that i really liked and I feel do a great job of expressing a lot of how I feel. Rather than try to re-word everything they said, I will post them:

BAM!

Requested statement from the CHurch of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints.

(I don't think It's any Secret that I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

AND BAM!

A Blog Post by a Member of the LDS Faith who is "Gay" - put in quotes not because I don't think It's real but because it's a hard word that some people find offensive and define very differently at times

He has some good things to say.

Actually, I have another one. I occasionally read this blog because I think he's hilarious and has some really good things to say. This Particular blog is the one that made me start reading it. For things I feel pertain to my personal beliefs about homosexuality see number 2, 4, 6, 7, & 8. But seriously, just read the whole darned thing. So good. His view on agency and the value he puts on marriage, family and the plan of salvation are all things that I share. please try to apply his awesomeness at explaining them in mind as I try to get these thoughts out of my head.

Ok! so now my lame, but sincere attempt to inoffensively address how I feel and where I'm coming from on this particular issue, even though I feel like that is impossible to do because people will be offended if they want to be offended. If you haven't learned that you should. You will be a happier person.
Know that all of this makes sense inside my head and I have no idea how it's going to turn out on paper...or computer screen or whatever. And that this post is mostly to put my thoughts down on paper and is mostly for me than anyone else, but i hope you enjoy the read.

I have quite a few homosexual friends that will remain nameless for the sake of remaining nameless. I love them. They love me. I would not want to live my life with them erased because I love them! and they know I love them. The also know what I believe and how I feel about homosexuality in general. I pompously believe that each one of these friendships exists because we are freaking awesome. I have had discussions with each of them about our differing opinions and views and its has not only not put a wedge between us, but I feel it has made our friendships stronger - similar to what blog boy number one posted about, we do not have to agree with one another on every little aspect of our lives in order to deeply care for one another.

Moving on, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe strongly that Marriage is by the definition of the word between one man and one woman. That's what it is and if you want to be married than that desire also involves a member of the opposite sex. A definition of the word. It has been is now and will always be defined that way. Marriage: one man and one woman.

Ok PAUSE. Before you freak out about what I just said Let me lay down some other concept, that yes, are very intertwined with marriage, but are not marriage themselves: Love, Commitment, Loyalty, and most of all AGENCY. I am all for all those things! Woo! There is so much value in commitment, love and loyalty. Done. Do it. All of those things make all people better and might I add I think two people homosexual or heterosexual willing to make those commitments, keep those loyalties and love each other should both be privy to the same tax breaks and every other benefits and RIGHTS currently given to two married people (again marriage being between a man and woman). but they can't be granted those right via marriage because that is actually not what they want. because that involves someone of the opposite sex. In my opinion in order for equal rights to happen we need a new word. If you are a man and a woman you are married, if you are a homosexual couple, you are something else. What? I don't know. Think of a word, get it coined and work that through the justice system. I am all for equal rights. But some things - like women and men are different but equal. Every homosexual in this country has the opportunity and choice to be married. That just involves putting the inclinations and desires you have aside because Marriage is between a man and a woman. The. End.

It's a definition of a word not a value of a person.

Ok so I'm done now. If you still hate everything I have to say, feel free to keep feeling that way. I'm not in charge of how you feel. Or anything else for that matter.

Also, please do not assume I have mentioned or implied anything that has to do with children in either of these situations. That is a completely different issue to me and I have not said anything about it here.

And if it really bothers you just scratch this post and read this.

Good Dogs Are Happy Dogs.

There are three dogs in my life right now. My sister's family Dog, Roxy, and my best friends two dogs, Fozzie and Gracie. Roxy is an Argentine Dogo-Pit mix. Gracie is a gordon setter. They are both on the younger side, Gracie is still a pup though. They are both very good dogs. Very obedient, eager to please. They have both had rules and boundaries set from a very young age and consistent and dedicated training by their owners. They are well loved, happy and well adjusted.
And then there is Fozzie. Fozzie is a...golden retriever border collie mix? He's a twinkie with legs. An adorable, GRUMPY, twinkie with legs, Who is stubborn and does what he wants. Gracie gets on his nerves, he loves food and doesn't particularly want to play himself, but will get jealous and try to take over when someone if playing with gracie "too much". If Dog's can be opinionated and condescending, Fozzie it both. When asked to do something he either ignores it completely, looks at you like you are an idiot, or does it until you aren't looking and then does what he wants. Do not get me wrong, It may seem like I don't like Fozzie, I do like him. He is cute, loves people and food, LIVES to be touched, longs to be in the same room with you and despite the twinkie-esk body of his he will literally jump at the idea of a walk. SOOOO much happiness when going for a walk. And he's old, so maybe he has reasons to be as crotchety as he is, my point though, is that Roxy and Gracie are generally happier than old Fozz', And I find it interesting.
The difference in these dogs attitudes struck me particularly today because I had some time alone woth them to think, well, not roxy, but her and I have also spent lots of time together alone. We're buds. This morning I had the opportunity to take Gracie to the Vet because her pops was a work. After we came home I decided to take Fozzie for a walk because he was pretty miffed when I came and whisked Gracie away and he was not invited. Fozz and Anne time. I wasn't there when Fozzie was growing up but my best friend has told me a lot about it. He said He never really was trained, He was potty trained and learned basic commands, but he barked when he wanted and walked in front and did what Fozzie does best, what ever the heck he wants. And now, He's kind of grumpy. He's a bit aggressive and impatient with other dogs and although he loves humans, takes pretty much everything they say with a grain of salt. On our walk today he walked in front, he walked in back, he sniffed at every tree we wanted, not because I let him but because he knows how to use his weight to his advantage. Over all it was a good experience and I really enjoyed myself, but there was pulling and waiting and coaxing and convincing of every kind going on. No boundaries. He wasn't given any as a pup and now he's an old man and doesn't like being told what to do.
It may be the missionary in me but during our walk (if it can be called a walk, I tried to explain to Fozzie that in order to be called a walk he needed to move his little feet in a forward motion) I kept thinking of the scripture in Mosiah, the one at the very end of King Benjamin's speech when he says, "And moreover  I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it"
Boundaries make us happy. It gives us a sense of accomplishment and confidence. It helps us build trust and makes us happy dang it! It is so much easier to accept those boundaries when we are young. Should we strive to have a good relationship with our children yes! or any children for that matter? YES! But they come into this world, into our society with out knowing any of the rules, right and wrong, any of the commandments. They will look to us who have been here longer and know more than them and they will test their boundaries, but it's so that they can know them. Obedience brings happiness, peace, joy even, and empowers us to pass those things on to others that come after us, but they need to be taught in order to be passed down. And if they aren't, good news!! people can change! if you feel you've missed out on learning boundaries then start now! Set boundaries for yourself. Decide how you want to live your life! set goals for yourself and achieve them! set a standard for yourself and meet it! As long as we are willing to commit ourselves to better living we can reap all the benefits that have always been ours as children of God. Happiness, peace, joy. 
Something I learned on my mission is that goals do not have to be lofty. I think there is wisdom in stretching yourself and continuing to stretch yourself as you grow, but goals can be simple. Like the one Sister Schetselaar set to only talk in british accents after 8. I'm not sure how much stretching was done on that goal, but it was fun. So set a new goal. Don't read your scriptures everyday? Start! Morning and night prayer absent or lacking? Step it up a notch! really sit down and have a conversation with Heavenly Father. Memorize a scripture, attend the temple weekly. Goals goals goals goals goals! SO AWESOME. and when you are dicouraged I'd suggest you reflect unpon the happy state of those that live with in the boundaries the Lord has set. And then keep going. In what ever it may be. Setting boundaries for yourself or for your little ones. Be happy. 

Now, the Atonement study has not ended, and I did do it today. I read the talk that the study provided for today by Elder Nelson. It was really good, something weird happened to the page for me though, I don't know if it will happen for you, but it randomly repeated itself and you really had to pay attention to find your place again, but! really good. my favorite part actually had nothing to do with the atonement. It was referring to the Fall and he said,"'“And they would have had no children,'5 nor experience life’s trials. (Please forgive me for mentioning children and the trials of life in the same breath.)"
I watched a video today that only reinforced my love for the differentiation between "trials" and children" and the notion that they shouldn't even be in the same sentence. 
We need more parents like this:

The rest of Nelson's talk high lighted how the atonement made the creation and the fall actually mean something. It would have all been for not had we not been provided a way to not only be reconciled with God but seal to Him and our families forever. It really was an amazing talk and I had so many more thoughts about it and appreciation for it than I'm communicating right now, but I am getting suuuuuper tired. I'm a go to bed early person and this staying up late thing doesn't work well for me. 

In addition to this talk I also read one suggested by my Ma from this months ensign called the enabling power of the atonement. Also so good. I am fading fast, Maybe I will write about them tomorrow.

I'm going to go back to telling everyone I love them all the time, because I do. I love all of you. Happy friday eve!

Extras.

My study extended itself a bit. And again the whole writing things down thing, it's a helpful remembering tool. The first thing is just more of a "note to self" thing. My mom posted an article on facebook that was really good. I liked it a lot. While listening to it I had this kind of "duh" moment, that I think I've been waiting for for a long time. That I've even been told before, but it's never struck me like it did this morning. It was an entire section on perfectionism and how it impedes growth:

"One thing that hinders the development of resilience is a misunderstanding of the commandment to be perfect (see Matthew 5:48). ...This misunderstanding may also stem from what society teaches our youth: that their worth depends on talent and performance....They worry about what others will think if they make mistakes. They fear loss of approval. They view their performance as the measure of their worth. Their perfectionism becomes a mean taskmaster, and it wears down their resilience.... they feel distressed and overwhelmed."

There were other wonderful things in that article as well. one of my favorites was the concept of teaching our children that "they don't have to want (or like) to do hard things, they just have to do them". 

The other thing i read that really got me thinking...brace yourself...The Mormon Bathroom Reader. And yes, I do occasionally read in the bathroom. It is time well spent thank you. Today it was a page called "Ezra Taft Benson's One-Liners". They guy had a lot of good things to say, as do most Prophets of God.  I wanted to touch on some. 

1. "Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul"
I don't know, I really felt the spirit when I read this. It testified to me that it was very true and a feeling of peace came over me. I read it again and again. Some of those things I talked about facing after coming off the mission --- after being sucked into the best book you've ever read --- those things I only ever thought I'd read about, some of those things have become some of my "greatest battles" and it really is all in "the silent chambers of [my] soul" I can't explain it accurately to anyone and sometimes when I try I feel crappy about myself because I know how irrational I sound. I'm ready to be done with it. For the battle to be over. Something's got to give, but it was nice to know that a prophet has acknowledged this phenomenon --- that's what it feels like, a phenomenon --- That it happens. That it's normal, that it is almost to be expected. 

Yeah, these get less personal, I promise.

2. "Be right, and then be easy to live with, if possible, but in that order"
I'm not sure he's actually referring to being right as in "I'm right you're wrong" Preeeeetty sure he means what President Ludwig meant when I left his office for the last time, "Sister Bailey, never lower your standards". Those words have rung in my ears since the moment they were spoken and I have tried hard to follow that advice. Be right with God and then be easy to live with, if  possible, but in that order. In our morally muddy world we cannot afford to get tossed about by every popularity or trend that may take place. In a big way, that kind of living just isn't safe. "Keep the commandments. In this there is safety and in this there is peace"

3. "The proud cannot accept the Authority of God giving direction in their lives"
And to their own detriment I'm afraid.

4. "I have noted within the church a difference in decernment, in insight, in conviction, and in spirit between those who know and love the Book of Mormonand those who do not --- That book is a great sifter"
Holland time: "If anyone is foolish enough or misled enough to reject 531 pages of a heretofore unknown text teeming with literary and Semitic complexity without honestly attempting to account for the origin of those pages—especially without accounting for their powerful witness of Jesus Christ and the profound spiritual impact that witness has had on what is now tens of millions of readers—if that is the case, then such a person, elect or otherwise, has been deceived; and if he or she leaves this Church, it must be done by crawling over or under or around the Book of Mormon to make that exit. In that sense the book is what Christ Himself was said to be: “a stone of stumbling, … a rock of offence,” ¹¹ a barrier in the path of one who wishes not to believe in this work."